Diary Post 002: Mask Off

Diary Chillllleeee,
I’m 30, and am nearing my 31st birthday and I just feel like I should be a little further along than I am. Granted, I’ve achieved a lot, made some leeway in my career, buuuuttttt, something is missing. Can’t put my finger on it, not sure what exactly it is, but it’s something. I am happily married, that came with a lot of work of course, I am a new mom to a 15 month old, and well I’m just gone leave that thought in my head and say, I love that kid, and I am trying to figure out this therapist thing. There are just some days where I don’t know if I am coming or going.
On the outside looking in, people assume…”hey she has it together”, “life is great for her”, But there is this internal struggle, the struggle where I sometimes doubt who I am. The struggle where you get at a point in your life and realize, this is not what I signed up for. Learning to juggle being a mom, a wife, a friend, all while trying to make sure you don’t lose yourself in any one of those titles becomes an even bigger struggle. 
I’ve been in relationships where I lost myself, and after it was over, I had to pick up the pieces to who I was, and who I wanted to be. I don’t want to do that again, that was tough. I always wore my mask though, it was pieced together perfectly, no one ever knew I was struggling with myself, always feeling the need to be perfect, to do everything right. I set goals, I worked damn hard to achieve them, but I was still lost, because I was trying to make sure I remained perfect…I had to make it look easy.
Sometimes I wonder do other people, women especially feel that way? Why don’t we ever share that? I love happy endings, I love feel good stories, but you know what I love even more…knowing your struggle, what you endured, and how you got through it. Don’t tell me all the good shit, and leave out the challenges, and the stuff that made you. Because if you asked me about life, if you asked me a question, you better believe I am going to tell you everything. I guess this is a start. Being vulnerable. Removing my mask. Hmmmmmm….I wonder who will take this journey with me? Now talk about a real Mask Off challenge.
Sincerely,
 
The Homegirl