Diary Post 002: Mask Off
I’m 30, and am nearing my 31st birthday and I just feel like I should be a little further along than I am. Granted, I’ve achieved a lot, made some leeway in my career, buuuuttttt, something is missing. Can’t put my finger on it, not sure what exactly it is, but it’s something. I am happily married, that came with a lot of work of course, I am a new mom to a 15 month old, and well I’m just gone leave that thought in my head and say, I love that kid, and I am trying to figure out this therapist thing. There are just some days where I don’t know if I am coming or going.
On the outside looking in, people assume…”hey she has it together”, “life is great for her”, But there is this internal struggle, the struggle where I sometimes doubt who I am. The struggle where you get at a point in your life and realize, this is not what I signed up for. Learning to juggle being a mom, a wife, a friend, all while trying to make sure you don’t lose yourself in any one of those titles becomes an even bigger struggle.
I’ve been in relationships where I lost myself, and after it was over, I had to pick up the pieces to who I was, and who I wanted to be. I don’t want to do that again, that was tough. I always wore my mask though, it was pieced together perfectly, no one ever knew I was struggling with myself, always feeling the need to be perfect, to do everything right. I set goals, I worked damn hard to achieve them, but I was still lost, because I was trying to make sure I remained perfect…I had to make it look easy.
Sometimes I wonder do other people, women especially feel that way? Why don’t we ever share that? I love happy endings, I love feel good stories, but you know what I love even more…knowing your struggle, what you endured, and how you got through it. Don’t tell me all the good shit, and leave out the challenges, and the stuff that made you. Because if you asked me about life, if you asked me a question, you better believe I am going to tell you everything. I guess this is a start. Being vulnerable. Removing my mask. Hmmmmmm….I wonder who will take this journey with me? Now talk about a real Mask Off challenge.
11/15/2017 06:08:54 pm
Wow! This just hit home and actually is hovering over something I have really been thinking about. How will we ever be able to not only be real with ourselves but ever be able to help somebody else out if we never remove our mask. We gotta remove the mask at some point and just be real and tell it like it is and how it really is happening. I truly believe the things we deal with and or face is not just for our own good but to be a help to somebody else who just may be facing the same thing we have tackled and overcame. A friend of mine actually said to me today “ if you would stop trying to act like you are perfect patty all the time and tell or show what’s really going on. Maybe just maybe somebody would be there for you.” It kinda was a eye opener because like you mentioned above we always wanna rock the I got it ALL together when really we don’t! I’m a 100% down for the mask off challenge!
11/15/2017 09:57:56 pm
Girl.... This sh!t right here!!!!! Lawd thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one I have that exact same feeling on a daily basis. It’s a daily struggle to motivate myself to be great (considering I’m not sure if I’m doing what I should be doing/fulfilling my purpose). Girl you are not alone, I’m here for it too!
11/18/2017 07:28:41 pm
I was just talking to my best friend about this! The conversation evolved to include purpose but I’m right there with you. Wife, Mom, “starting” my career even though I’ve been in it for 5 years and still paying dues - makes me feel subpar sometimes because i thought I’d be further along. I feel like I’m just coasting.
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