A lot of us walk around with what I call a "pain filter".
Here's my definition of "pain filter": because you have experienced some sort of pain, hurt, heartache, or disappointment, you filter every single persons words, actions, behaviors & intentions through YOUR pain perspective, causing you to create inaccurate narratives in your mind, taking things too personally, and blowing small things way out of proportion, causing you to respond in a way that is not appropriate to what actually happened.
Example: You call bae, bae doesn't answer the phone the first time you called. In turn, you blow up their line, send long ass paragraphs for text messages that you know they aren't going to read. Then you go home, and you throw all of their clothes over the balcony.
That is a true definition of emotional dysregulation, a term used in therapy: basically the crime doesn't match the consequence. Heres the legit definition of emotional dysregulation: "emotional responses that are poorly modulated and do not lie within the accepted range of emotive response."
When you are functioning in a state of pain, without attempting to discover the root of that pain, you walk around self-sabotaging, and low key constantly playing the victim. You constantly feel like people are out to hurt you, or treat with malice and have specific intentions to make life difficult for you. And the thing is....that is simply not true MOST of the time. Honestly, ain't nobody worried about you.
When you are functioning in a state of pain, you cannot see any possibility of anything changing in your life. You hold on so tightly to that pain, that it takes up space internally, not allowing room for the good things to seep through and take over.
When you are functioning in a state of pain you complain and try nothing to get rid of the pain, or fix the pain. You blame everyone around you, you don't hold yourself accountable, and you react rather than respond to triggers, discomfort, or anxiety.
So the first steps in dealing with your pain, is recognizing that you are seeing life through a "pain filter", and use resources that can assist you in healing from said pain, (i.e. therapy, meditation, church etc.) (whatever you believe will work for you, do that, and God is a bomb resource, but he also created some folk with a little razzle dazzle and a license to help you out. USE THEM) I'll be waiting on you....
Secondly, recognize how you have been playing victim or self-sabotaging, understand those behaviors and be accountable for your actions during those situations. This is really important for you to do, because when you are able to identify those behaviors, you are able to recognize them in the future so that you can catch yourself from trippin. Remember you must stop and ask yourself...
Lastly, begin to shift that "pain filter" to a filter of possibility. Learn to reframe your perspective and instead of seeing your pain as a pain in the ass, use your pain as a source of strength, and one that has shaped who you were as a person.
Example, say in your childhood you had an absent parent, which caused you a lot of heartache and pain growing up and the pain from that has shown up in your adulthood. While you can spend your waking hours being angry or resentful what good does that do, even though you have the right to feel that way. But what if you look at that experience as something that helped you be more grateful for the loved ones in your life, or that you wouldn't be the bomb mom or dad to your own children if it wasn't for the experience of having an absence of a parent.
That's not to say that reframing is the easiest to achieve, but it is definitely possible. Changing your perspective of pain doesn't dismiss or take away from what happened to you. However, moving into a "possibility filter" can help you break out of the toxic cycles you find yourself in, and allow you to see that things can be better for you. To see the possibility of being a better version of yourself, and creating the life you want to live.
Pain is going to continue to happen yall, it won't stop so you should work at getting comfortable with it. Work at shifting from pain to possibility and that will then lead you to your purpose.
But one thing at a time.
As always you got this...
just start by starting.